Welcome to Part 6 in “Taking Destructive Thoughts Captive!” This time I will talk about a seemingly different issue, but one that definitely relates to taking your thoughts captive. There are memories for which our emotion takes over so strongly that it blinds reason. In this situation, and in others as well, we can use another tool.
Negative/destructive thoughts and feelings linger in the mind of each of us, put there by life itself. An imperfect childhood (that describes everyone), choices we make as we grow up or as adults, things done to us, words spoken to or about us, even things that we have said or done that go against who God created us to be . . . all have the possibility of adding destructive thoughts/feelings into our minds that we, especially as children, do not know how to combat. Thus there is a backlog of negativity, and a stream of destructive thoughts stored in our minds. In my last post I talked about how you can take such thoughts captive, even when they have been etched in your mind for years or decades.
Learning to take a destructive thought captive will destroy its power over you. There’s another way to deal with these thoughts that, while not replacing the need to take them captive, works hand in hand with taking them captive. It’s called “reframing.”
Sometimes reframing a thought or feeling can bypass much of the struggle, and cut down on the time and energy you will spend in taking it captive. In some ways this is harder – in some ways, it’s easier. What do I mean by “reframing?”
In psychological circles it is well known that how a person responds to an event makes more of an impact on who that person is, than the actual event itself. This explains how two children can grow up in the same environment, having many of the same events happen to them, yet have completely different feelings about those events and even vastly different outlooks on life. Or how two adults can experience the same trauma and each walk away with a different perspective on the experience and different emotional reactions. Circumstances that completely devastate one person can be the means of another person rising from them to conquer their situation.
A great illustration of this from America’s Civil War times is Robert E. Lee. Fatherless for all intents and purposes, and rising from poverty, he become one of the greatest generals of all times, loved and respected by not only the Confederacy on whose side he fought, but also the Union, whose generals he put to shame by his battlefield strategy.*
How you see and react to a negative experience makes all the difference in the world to your thought life and to your emotional life. Emotional healing can then come as these experiences are reframed.
You may already see this at work in your life. Were you ever afraid of the “monster” under the bed or afraid of the dark? I had a dream as a child that animals came through the attic door, which was in my room, and stood around my bed. They weren’t even scary, and I love animals, yet because this was out of the ordinary, I became afraid of the attic door! As I grew up and learned the reality that animals aren’t going to come out of the attic, and after being in the attic enough to feel comfortable there, the fear disappeared. I saw the dream in a different light – I saw the truth.
And that’s what we’re really talking about here – seeing the truth. “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32.
So how can you reframe an experience? I can think of three ways. My next blog will share those three ways.
Please leave a comment and share your thoughts. I’d love to interact with you!
*I’ve just been reading Robert E. Lee On Leadership, which describes his early life as well as his military career. You can get his book from Amazon by clicking on the link here:
Very interesting. Cannot wait for next weeks post. Curious about how I can change some of my current reactions to events to something positive.
Joanne Massey-Dean recently posted..My first TSA Blog
Hi Joanne,
I’m happy to say that it’s possible to change those reactions! I’m sorry to say that it’s a process : ) But then, I suppose everything in life worth having is tied somehow to a process. Sigh
So glad you stopped by!
Pastor Sherry,
Reframing is an important part of the work I do with individuals and couples. Especially with couples in a long term relationship, there are issues and personality conflicts that can appear insurmountable and the false belief is that the grass is greener elsewhere. When each person reframes their thoughts about the situation and come to a state of appreciation and gratitude, the insurmountable problems suddenly become manageable and may even no longer be viewed as problems.
Erica
Hi Dr. Erica,
Somehow I figured you would know about this! It’s pretty powerful, isn’t it? Our minds work in amazing ways, and that includes our emotional life as well. I’ve wondered . . . if we used all the brain power available to us, and made all the right choices as well, how far would we be as a person, and how useful would we be to the world? An interesting question.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hi Sherry,
People have always fascinated me. The way we all react in different ways to events.
Some of the most successful people have had incredibly hard lives and yet a lot of people use difficult events and experiences as an excuse not to succeed – sometimes I have been full of BS (uh hm, Belief Systems that is!) that held me back or kept me holding on to pain.
Reframing is a very important tool and I’m looking forward to reading more about it in your next post!
Emma
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Hi Emma,
Yes, that’s true. I think of Abraham Lincoln who rose from poverty, or Joni Erickson Tada who now has a ministry that would not have happened but for her accident. It seems that trouble can make or break us, and if we reframe it (and that can take time), the trouble can make us better, strronger people.
So glad you explained the BS
Lucky me I got over it fairly young. Young enough that it was still a thrill to get up in the middle of the nite and eat cookies. Maybe my re-framing was the cookies, I wanted one of them more than I was afraid of the monsters!
As we build on our experiences we can become even better at re-framing. I am so glad I was introduced to the concept many years ago. Now I use the skill on a daily basis.
Thanks for explaining how it works!
I had to laugh at your story! I think everyone has some story like that in their background! Hmmm, Carla, maybe cookies is the answer to reframing : )
Reframing is something that takes practice. It doesn’t come easily when one is in the throes of an emotion or thought habit pattern. But we can make a start, and that counts bigtime. From there we can become better and better at catching those thoughts before they become a problem. Nothing happens overnight, much as we might wish it did! Good for you, for learning this and using it!
I’ve spent some pleasurable hours in the past month, reading of memories shared on a Facebook group, by people who grew up with me and attended the same schools, in our hometown. Many of us had the same teachers, and yetour experiences with those teachers are quite different. It surprises me to learn that some of my favourite teachers had quite the opposite effect on some my classmates. Seeing this same thing work out in various areas of my life NOW, shows me that it is all in the mindset, or perhaps what we’re looking for in the experience.
There are two sides to every coin. There’s a silver lining in every cloud. The negative can be turned around to the positive. Probably the toughest and most important lesson I’ve had in this area is when our eldest son died in a vehicle accident in December ’09. We drive over that spot on the highway every time we go to town, which is several times a week… every day for our youngest son, when he goes to school. It was hard at first, because of course I saw it as the place where something awful happened to our son. I knew right away that for the sake of my sanity, I would have to do something. From then on, I saw it as the place where my son met the Lord he loved, face to face, and went home with Him. It’s still hard… I never pass that spot on the highway without those sad thoughts creeping in… but I know what REALLY happened there, and it’s so much more positive and comforting than the other.
I’m not sure if that’s what you mean by “reframing”, but it works for me.
Willena Flewelling
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Hi Willena,
Yes, that’s reframing a situation. You learned to think differently about the trauma. And you now have a beautiful thought to replace the terrible, awful one that was there. God doesn’t say He will make our path a bed of roses (there’s a song about that somewhere — “God Never Promised,” I think), but He does give us a way out of tough things. I believe that way out is the reframing, the inviting of God’s presence into our pain and terrible life events. As I’ve listened and experienced, it seems that for some things there will always be pain — you will always miss your precious son. For other things it seems that God takes the pain away. Rev 21 says He will wipe away our tears, but that’s not until heaven. But when we take Him into our pain it can be greatly lessened, if not eventually completely taken away.
As for your classmates, my elementary alma mater has created a Facebook page, too, and we’re having so much fun remembering! And you’re right that even in the memories, we realize that we’ve seen things differently. Interesting, huh!
The reframing process is powerful yet sometimes tricky as often we are so “stuck in thinking in the box” that it’s incredibly powerful to find a way TO reframe the situation and then to get our emotions in check enough to allow us to “play” with the idea before we can come to accept it. This is where mentoring, guidance and support can really come in to play when the person is ready for it. And it takes a good mentor to know when the person is ready and open and available to explore “playing” and “feeling out” new ways of looking at something rather than pushing back with strong resistance leading to a push-pull scenario that never works. Thanks Sherry!
Kim
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Hi Kim,
You’ve made some great points! Yes, there are certainly times when the emotions take over and we can’t see anything else beyond them. Another person can be a mirror for us, holding up to us what they see in the situation, and giving us their perspective. When we’re “stuck” in the emotion, it’s near impossible to see another perspective.
Having that person be sensitive to the right timing of giving that perspective is critical, too. Sometimes when we’re deep into something the best thing another person can do is “be” there and hang on for the ride, giving their presence, their shoulder, holding us up emotionally, and holding us up in prayer until we can come to God for ourselves. We need each other!
Incidentally, that’s a good reason for us not to judge each other. We never know where someone is, what they are dealing with, what’s going on inside of them, nor can we ever put someone on a time table for “getting over” something. We simply don’t know their heart.
Thanks for your perspective, Kim!
There’s a story that illustrates your point very well … a man is riding the subway after a long day of work and across the isle from him is a father and his three boys – who were running around, completely out of control while the father just sat there seemingly oblivious and off in his own little world. Just as the first man is about to open his mouth to really lay into this guy for being rude and not controlling his kids, the father looks up, gathers his boys in his arms and softly apologizes to the first man, explaining that they’d just come from the hospital where his wife – the boy’s mother – had died.
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Ahhhh yes, Marquita. That’s a perfect illustration. Once the situation was understood by the irritated man, he thought about the situation differently, and his whole perspective had to change. Thanks for sharing this!
Pastor Sherry, thanks for this wonderful series. I’ve truly enjoyed understanding the physiology of negative thoughts, and now the strategies for reframing those thoughts. What is key, I think, is not to ignore the thoughts, but rather to notice them, and then ask myself, Is there another way to look at this? Is there a Scripture that speaks to this? Thanks, by the way, for the example of Robert E. Lee.
Steve-Personal Success Factors recently posted..Sarah Palin, Mike Tyson, and True Friendship
Hi Steve,
So glad you are enjoying this! Yes, if we go on default and don’t notice what is running through our mind, we will not be able to do any of this. I agree with you that this is where it must began. Probably none of us were taught this as children, so we now have to learn it as adults. But it’s worth the trouble!
Hiya Pastor Sherry I really liked your great article on Reframing Painful Memories/Situations, Part 6. Some truly nice stuff on this internet site, I like it.
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Hi Shawanna, so glad you like the site.